Chrismahanukwanzikah

Happy Solstice everybody! This is the time of year that Katie and Glen try to explain our holiday celebrations. Usually we fail to make people understand. But, hey, there is always next year. Here is my synopsis in bullet point form:

  • We are celebrating the Winter Solstice on Dec 25, despite the fact that the solstice is on Dec 21. Inconsistent, maybe, but when you buy your own house, you can make up whatever rules you want.
  • We don’t have any religious items or talk about religion during the holidays. The name Jesus does not ever come up. Judah “The Hammer” Maccabee does come up in relation to Hanukah.
  • There are many Gods. Gods who listen if you say, “Today is going to be a great day”. Gods who know if you do something bad, like pick on someone or steal. Gods who paint the sky with pretty colors just for you. Gods who are there when people and fish die to make sure they are ok. Lots of Gods. Not one God.
  • There is also a man called Kris Kringle (Santa Claus) who administrates all of the gifts throughout the world. Some gifts come straight from the fat man himself, and others come directly from family. He is not in charge of birthday presents.
  • We have a tree with decorations and lights on the house because they are fun and pretty.
  • We tried to celebrate Hanukah AND Christmas, but found it difficult and unpleasant. The kids were expecting too many presents and were hopped up like kangaroos in heat for 2 weeks. We open up all the presents on Dec 25. If anyone isn’t happy with that arrangement, they can save their presents for the children’s birthdays. We believe the Gods of Presents Giving support us in this position. The God of commercialism does not support our position and says we should buy presents MORE often. Now.

I got Jared a guitar. He loves it and wants to sleep with it. My master plan is to have him become good with it and then use his powers of song to woo women. (For him, not for me). For Ethan I got a bat. My master plan for him is to use the bat to knock women over the head and drag them back to the cave. No seriously, he will be a sports star and woo the women that way. Yes, my present giving is far-sighted.

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