Here is my summary of 2020 and how it will unfold. It gets pretty hairy, so buckle in. Good news is that if you love pasta, it will turn out well for you in the end.
January: Constitutional Crisis
Ahh, remember the good old days when we argued about impeachment and Russian interference? It feels quaint now.
February: Corona Virus
At first, I thought this would be like every other virus I’ve ever witnessed. Bill Gates knew better. He was telling us, but we wouldn’t listen.
March: Quarantine & Stock Market Crash
Holy Shit! What happened? Don’t go to work! Stocks crash. My savings are gone. San Mateo just sent an email saying not to play tennis. Come on! That’s the last straw.
April: Hiring Freeze
I knew it was going to happen, but I hoped it wouldn’t. All of my recruiting efforts are being put on hold at least for the next few months. I feel terrible for people who just graduated and have no prospects of a job. April 1st goes by and no one bothers with April Fools day. It feels dumb. We all stay in our homes for the month.
What will happen next? These are my predictions:
Warning: These are not pretty.
May: Natural Disasters
There are several super volcanoes set to go off. We could have a dustbowl again in the midwest. The west coast has been due for a major earthquake for years now. I expect this any day now, forcing us from our homes
June: Famine & Riots
Once we are out of our homes, feeding everyone will be a major problem. This will lead to starvation and riots. Many people will die and our social order will collapse.
July: Climate Changing Tipping Point
The underwater methane deposits shake loose and float into the air. A hot summer and some solar flares melt the polar icecaps. The seas rise 50 feet in 2 weeks. Florida and the coasts are under water. A billion people are on the move worldwide. President Trump says everything is fine.
August: Aliens Attack
I know this sounds absurd, but honestly, it doesn’t seem that weird to me anymore. They have been waiting for just the right moment. They blow up Washington DC and several other world capitals. All satellites are destroyed so we have no more phone or TV service. Radio becomes the only form of communication.
September: Time Traveling Robot Army
So somehow, our future selves have sent back in time an army of robots to help kill the aliens. Many are relieved to have the help and the Aliens retreat. Unfortunately, as soon as they retreat, someone attacks the robots and they defend themselves. By the end of the month, there is a human-robot conflict in every corner of the earth.
October: Resurrect Dinosaurs
A scientist has a great idea. He clones dinosaurs and brings them back to help with the robot battle. This goes well at first. We trained the dinosaurs to attack robots. Smooth sailing. We beat them into submission but as a last gasp, the robots transfer AI intelligence into the dinosaurs. They basically become robot-dinosaurs and turn on us.
Joe Biden barely beats Donald Trump in the electoral college. His campaign pledge of zero-tolerance for dinosaur robots gains him the college-educated white vote in Ohio. Joe is happy, but Trump declares the election to be “rigged” and sues Biden. He says that he refuses to leave.The Supreme Court has been eaten by dinosaurs so the country is thrown into a constitutional crisis once again. Nancy Pelosi threatens impeachment again. Joe is still bumping elbows with people.
December: The Rapture
It’s not Jesus, or Jehovah, or Buddha, or Allah. It turns out that God was the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The religion called Pastafarianism was actually the correct one. All eyes turn upward to see his fettuccini face and ziti fingers reaching out to us. The light of his saucy face is radiant. All of those who worshipped the mighty Noodle ascend towards the clouds. They are embraced by the all-seeing lasagna and enter heaven. The rest of us look on as he leaves.
This is what I see for the rest of 2020. Some of the items may seem strange now, but think about what you thought the first few months would be last year.
Do you think I missed anything? Put additions in the comments.